i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
