Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
