it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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