I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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