my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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