no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
