I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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