I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
