Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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