chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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