so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
