I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Maybe he injected his testicle?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
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