Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
