..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
