I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
