I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize