Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
