i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
