If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
