My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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