so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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