If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We have started to decorate penises.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
