I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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