shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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