hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
