I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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