I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
