I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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