how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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