I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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