"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
