new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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