HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
