So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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