This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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