dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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