Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
