i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
