I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
