So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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