yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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