why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
