you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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