he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
