I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We left the knife in your bed.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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