If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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