My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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