FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
