I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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