hotel room ftw
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize