dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
