I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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