so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
