i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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