I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
