I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
