i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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