im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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