I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I don't think brook has ever known best
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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