He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
