I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize